Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Twilight is a load of horse shit

Before about 2 a.m. this morning, I had never seen a Twilight movie for a bunch of reasons:

1. I'm not a 13-year-old girl.
2. The "vampires" allegedly "sparkle" in direct sunlight.
3. Anything that Hot Topic pushes in their stores is a dead giveaway that it chugs a whole bunch of cock.
4. I don't particularly care about movies.
5. I don't particularly care about really popular fad movies like this whole resurgence of the fascination with vampires thing.
6. I can smell bullshit from a mile away.

Anyways, I'm not going to say why I went to the midnight showing of Twilight (my girlfriend SORT OF made me go), but I need to release pressure from my chest by listing off all the things that are fucked up about that horrible flick.

Fucked up thing number 1: Everyone is emo. Everyone. And it's really fucking lame. They're all infatuated with themselves, are socially awkward, cannot seem to convey their thoughts and emotions whatsoever and come across as fucking MORONS. Kind of like real emo people. Kind of like not only my generation (the kids who grew up REAL heavy on TV and fucking video games), but the younger generations now who have absolutely NO handle on things and may not know were to draw the line on say, death or sex, etc. in their heads.

Fucked up thing number 2: The so-called "werewolves" just walk around shirtless throughout the whole movie.
"Oh, it's so they don't rip their shirts when they transform into werewolves, silly!"
I am one step ahead of you polesmokers: Why do they still have shorts and socks and shoes on when they go back to human from werewolf? Furthermore, the females had shirts on to begin with and they came back with shirts on. So I would assume if those 'roided up high school fucks put a goddamn shirt on, they'd come back with theirs too. Oh wait, I forgot, it's Hollywood and they have to sell sex to a bunch of pre-pubescent girls who get all moist at the sight of a shirtless slightly older adolescent male.

Fucked up thing number 3: Off that, what the hell? There's already multiple generations of females walking the planet who feel inadequate, insecure, lost, depressed, confused and isolated because of social "norms" implemented by TV, advertisements and bullshit movies like this one. You have a kid? Your daughter gets on this Twilight wagon, she's probably going to be giving it up at the first immature understanding of "love" that this stupid movie (backed by millions of real people) drilled (and thus, validated) into her brain because like Kristen Stewart, she won't feel complete without a man in her life. Well fuck that codependency bullshit, at least when you're young and innocent and stupid and don't know any better. Be a goddamn kid and don't worry about the things that you might be doing when you're older.

Fucked up thing number 4: The vampires sparkle? Are you fucking kidding me? What could have been a redeeming quality of this horrible piece of shit was another thing that made it to this retarded list. They could at least do something cool in the sunlight like oh, I dunno: catch on fire!? Melt!? But they sparkle. And what's with the beginning of the movie when the vampire dude and Kristen Stewart are sitting in the field staring at each other and going back and forth about their bullshit insecurities? That shit was straight outta Star Wars: Episode III. That mime-looking son of a bitch (and the whole scene in general) set off my "I FUCKING HATE ANAKIN SKYWALKER" alarm. The only thing is, this Edward asshole had absolutely no chance of ever being a bad ass like Anakin did, so it wasn't as tragic. It was just sad. It was one self-pitying situation after another. Boo fuckin' hoo. I wish you weren't a vampire so you'd die.

Fucked up thing number 5: Kristen Stewart should not be innocent or exempt or made to look faultless by the author. If that was real life, and she allegedly loved that one dude, she wouldn't go making out with the other dude in front of him. There's a term for chicks like that. What is it? A slut, defined by my friend Merriam-Webster as "a promiscuous woman." Kristen Stewart, you're a liar and a slut. And you're pretty fuckin' dumb and boring to boot. Why you have two guys all bat shit about you is beyond me. But when you look at how retarded and afraid of confrontation and communication they are as well, I guess it makes sense. Fuck you, Kristen Stewart.

Fucked up thing number 6: These two dudes who allegedly have gigantic boners (though I saw no evidence of masculinity throughout the entire movie) for Kristen Stewart end up BUDDYING IT OUT in a fucking tent on the top of Mt. Everest or some shit. WHAT THE FUCK?! They are trying to bag the same chick!! She is right there!!! In fact, she is cuddling with one of the guys and the other guy is just sitting in the tent WATCHING THEM all SAD. It would have been the PERFECT opportunity for either one of those cocks to transform into whatever creature they could be and tear the other one apart. Vulnerability. Knowing your enemy. It's fucking key!!! Had that shirtless whiny asshole transformed into a werewolf in that tent, he could have killed the vampire dude when he was professing his thinly-disguised homoerotic love for him, thus causing there to be ONE guy for Kristen Stewart to make out with instead of two. Simple solution. There's a cancer - you get rid of it. Fucking weak. Another potentially redeeming scene shot to shit. You're both a disgrace. I was waiting for them to start cuddling. Maybe the shirtless werewolf guy could have made the cold vampire guy "feel" something warm. I bet. Then Kristen Stewart can go and be a housewife like she wants to be, deep down inside with someone who will at least HONESTLY treat her like the doormat she's played out to be.

Fucked up thing number 7: Now that I think of it, I didn't see one eclipse throughout the entire movie. What the fuck!

Fucked up thing number 8: I got three hours of sleep last night, woke up late for work, got really really upset with myself, which made me get abnormally emotional about one of my favorite bands breaking up and I'm fucking exhausted. I hate you, Twilight.

Fucked up thing number 9: I actually wasted time out of my life to compile a list of how much I hated that goddamn movie. I need a real thing, like lunch.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Old Wives - "See You In Hell" review:

Rating: 4/5

25 minutes is about the length of your standard TV show. It's not a lot of time, but it's just enough to tell a good story. If a record could be the analogy to that, this one is. 25 minutes is just enough time for a great pop punk album. Alberta, Canada's Old Wives utilized that amount of time for its debut album, "See You In Hell" earlier this year. The band previously self-released a 7'' featuring "Shut Up" (which appears on the album) and b-side, "Losing All Control."

At the album's start, you're immersed up to your eyeballs in a very Queers-style fast, oddly-timed intro where everything sounds like it's already been going for about 10 seconds. After 10 seconds of rocking, lead singer/guitarist Liam Copeland starts "I Don't Wanna Be Lazy," a very Ramones-influenced tune with a little more pop thrown in there and a catchy little solo. The fourth track, "Teen Commandments," was featured on a soundtrack to a movie. I should know what movie. But I don't. And I can't find it online. Liam will tell me later.
"Old & Moldy" rests in the middle of the album and features a sweet guitar solo by Phillip Hill of the Teen Idols, who also recorded this album at Sonic Iguana Studios in Lafayette, IN. Copeland's vocals emulate Ben Weasel's in the sense that they're gritty, snotty and a little bit preachy at times but the album is a straight-up good time. The songs are pure rock n' roll, with none exceeding 3 minutes and they're all upbeat and fast, with no breaks in the album.

Check out the Old Wives at this year's Insubordination Fest in Baltimore, MD on June 2. They'll be playing the second "Canada" stage from 6 to 6:20 p.m.

TOP TRACK: "Bullshit"