Friday, July 25, 2008

MEATHEADS!!!!! by Mike Byrne

Here, we have examples of both a male and a female Meathead. Note the quadruple popped collars and hairdo.

By Mike Byrne
Poet Laureate Extraordinaire

This is my first column I have written and I thought I would discuss a topic that seems to fly under the radar, but is around each and every one of us every day of our lives.
What is a Meathead? Well, the easy answer to that would be to call them Jocks or Sportos, but they are more than just a jock. I have friends who have played sports and some friends who are really into sports, but that does not qualify them as a Meathead, although it could qualify them to be douche bags, snapperheads and dingleberries, but I will save that for a future column.

A Meathead is someone who loves to watch sports, is overly aggressive to friends and enemies, loves to hi-five, is really into Golden Tee and Baggo and is usually found in places that end with the words "Bar and Grill." The odd thing about Meatheads is that for the most part, they are friendly.
When someone who doesn't like you walks up and hits you in the arm or pushes you around, you would call that a sign of aggression. But for a Meathead, those are traits that he really likes you. Here are some mating calls and language translations for Meatheads:

-Hi-Five: A handshake, "how are you doing" or your favorite team just scored. Maybe he just scored with female Meathead.
-"NICE!!!!!": Something good just happened or they agree with what you just said.
-Chest bump: Means they just accomplished something and are proud of it, but most of the time, the thing they just accomplished could have been done by a 5-year-old.
-The phrase, "That's what I'm talking about": Means that you both have come to the fact that you just agree with what the other person just said.
-The phrase, "I would hit that": Means he wants to have sex with a certain female that he has no chance of ever having sex with or even having a conversation that would last over two minutes with.
-"Nerds": the Meatheads' mortal enemies.

If you were to go into a bar on the North side of Chicago, the best chances of running into Meatheads would be along Clark Street. They usually travel in packs of five or more, and as homophobic as most meatheads are, they seem to have a lot of male love tendencies.
They love hugging and putting their arms around each other. When you walk into a bar with Meatheads, the best spots to find them are near a Golden Tee machine or a plasma TV showing a sporting event. It would be in your best interest not to walk up and hang out with them because they are unpredictable, and if you are not wearing cargo shorts and a college sweatshirt in the summertime, you could be spotted and get a hi-five across your face, which was intended for a friend of theirs that they nicknamed, "Beast Whore."

There are female Meatheads, and the best way to spot one is they usually are shaped like a bowling pin. They have huge asses that they try to cover with a college sweater thinking they can fool some guy into thinking that they might look kinda good.
The Meatheads are a dying breed these days because the 1980s are over and the nerds won the Jock vs. Nerd wars of the '80s.
It was a violent war with many swirlys given to nerds in men's rooms across the country. Underwear was torn off of nerds in locker rooms in junior high schools and high schools all through the '80s. You can spot a true nerd by seeing the red marks on their bodies from towels being cracked on the bare skin in a walk-by towel snapping. For more into on the great Jock vs. Nerd war of the '80s, I recommend renting "Up the Creek," "Revenge of the Nerds," "3 o'clock High," "Just One of the Guys" and "Karate Kid."
With the takeover of the Internet, it would seem the nerds got the last laugh. But go into any sports bar on any given night, and the Meatheads are planning a hostile takeover soon.
Even though the world is basically controlled by computers that nerds run every day at their jobs, the computer can be taken down by viruses.
Nerds can be taken down by the violent stampede of Meatheads.
As long as they have cold beer and half price appetizers, the Meatheads can fuel their violence in a way that cannot be controlled.

I am going to stand on the sidelines and see how this all plays out. Some people are playing both sides by buying "Deep Space Nine" and "Dr. Who" shirts and others are stocking up on "Bears" and "University of Oklahoma" sweatshirts.
Deep down, I think the Meatheads have already won.

Mike can be reached at

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