Thursday, June 21, 2012

'Days Go By' by The Offspring

By Jerry Cola
Release date: June 26, 2012
CD: Columbia Records
Rating: 1/5

[This review was strung together from a thread of Facebook comments].

Here is possibly the worst album of 2012.

It's hilarious how The Offspring is blatantly writing songs already written by other bands. "The Future Is Now" sounds like "Prayer For the Refugee" by Rise Against, "Days Go By" sounds like a pale imitation of Foo Fighters' "Times Like These" and "Turning Into You" sounds like "Ready To Fall" by Rise Against. Then there's all this horrible pop shit like "Bumpin' In My Trunk" and "O.C. Guns" that sound like they could be Weird Al Yankovic-style parodies.
"All I Have Left Is You" is a horrible rock ballad. "Secret Family With You" is also terrible. It's like Dexter Holland (vocals/guitar) keeps trying to outdo himself in writing the worst song ever.
And why the fuck is a re-recording of "Dirty Magic" sandwiched between "O.C. Guns" and "Secret Family With You?" It's like Holland personally wanted to remind people that his band at one point was actually a really good punk band, but now is writing songs that will give you ear-AIDS and insult your intelligence at the same time. Of course the re-recording of "Dirty Magic" has no fucking soul or real emotion behind it like the original did.

Imagine how much better life would be if The Offspring would have stopped making albums after Americana. Then the only embarrassing songs you'd have to deal with would be "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" and "Why Don't You Get a Job."
There are really no major redeeming qualities to Days Go By. The songs that aren't blatant ripoffs or terrible pop songs are just average, run-of-the-mill punk rock songs. They're only boosted in musical quality due to the fact that there's so much shit on the album.
Stream Days Go By here. Or don't.

Monday, June 4, 2012

'21st Century Breakroom' by House Boat

By Jason Duarte
Release date: June 1, 2012
LP: Bloated Kat Records
Rating: 5/5

I know what you're thinking: "sweet! Another lyrically self-depreciating batch of House Boat songs in which Grath cries about stuff. I already own that in too many analog formats." Well guess what, buddy?! Never before have you felt sorry for Mr. Madden for 9:25 straight. As in, with no breaks. This isn't the kind of pity you feel for 2 minutes and then it's emotional break time. Oh no. House Boat fucks your heart and fingers your emotions while they're sleeping on this one. Haus Butt is re-paving the pop punk world. It's the 21st century and that means we get pop punk songs longer than the album version of "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd now (current pop punk bands, take note).
The incredibly entertaining comic book-style album art accompanies the title track, "21st Century Breakroom." So in case you can't imagine what's going on in the lyrics, you've got cartoon drawings of cum rags, a brain in a cage, a bloody volcano head, the 5-0 and a guy with a basketball for a head smoking a d00b. All of which happen in the song and leave you feeling pretty dirty actually. The album art is a parody of Big Brother & the Holding Company's album art from Cheap Thrills, which was done by Robert Crumb. So that's side A. And it's all right, but side B is where House Boat really shines.
Side B features a song titled, "Suburban Grit;" the best song on the record, in my opinion. In this one, Grath spills his heart about how he gave said heart to a girl (I'm assuming), and she left it on the floor in the basement for a solid century. Then she returns to him (having not aged a day), puts her hand on his and it's ice cold. Nothing triggers empathy, pain and letdown like "Suburban Grit." This song could be the plot of a movie; it's that good.
The LP is available through Servo at Bloated Kat Records here. The MP3s are available from Grath via Bandcamp here. And if you're a cheap son of a bitch, you can still be a House Boat fan by listening to the entire record below.
Read a review of Thorns of Life here.
Read a review/see pics and video of their performance at the Don Giovanni Records Showcase 2012 here.
Read a review of The Delaware Octopus here.